The Miss Nomer Pageant of America 2013

This is an idea I’ve had for a while.  It’s a completely imaginary beauty pageant in that none of the contestants are actually real people.  However, it’s also a REAL pageant in that there will, eventually, be a winner declared.  Who that winner is, however, is entirely up to you.  Yes, that’s right.  You be the judge.  You decide who is worthy of the Miss Nomer Pageant Crown.  Now, if the judges are all ready, let’s proceed with…


The Miss Nomer Pageant of America 2013

sponsored by Cow-in-a-Can

because this pageant is just a whole lot of bull!

Miss Tree

  • Bio: Not much is known about this contestant beyond the fact that she is a member of the Arbor Society.
  • Swimsuit: The contestant appeared during this segment in a Mӧbius Strip suit of indeterminate color.
  • Talent: The contestant demonstrated how to repot a sapling, although we are uncertain what species of sapling the contestant used.
  • Question: What quality do you like most about yourself and why?
    • Answer: I like trains, because I like them.

Miss Fit

  • Bio: This contestant arrived at the pageant on a bicycle. Instead of wearing an evening gown, the contestant appeared onstage in a black tuxedo and a studded leather collar, which seemed to be made entirely with her in mind.
  • Swimsuit: The contestant wore a one-piece black and white striped swimsuit with a skull on the front. The suit displayed the woman’s numerous tattoos excellently.
  • Talent: The contestant did a hundred handstand pushups while dressed as Captain Kangaroo.
  • Question: What is your definition of success?
    • Answer: Dude, (gives questioner a peculiar look) being able to quote Star Trek while jogging.

Miss Stick

  • Bio: This contestant is apparently a relative of Miss Tree, but not much more is known about her, apart from the fact that this contestant is much skinnier than the aforementioned contestant and has expressed an interest in the occult.
  • Swimsuit: The contestant appeared in this segment of the contest wearing a dark-colored one-piece suit with a wood pattern design on it.
  • Talent: The contestant read the presenter’s fortune by throwing a handful of twigs into the air and observing where they fell. Her prediction was surprisingly accurate.
  • Question: If you could be on the cover of any magazine, which would you choose and why?
    • Answer: I believe it would be most interesting to be on the cover of Man, Myth & Magic because the occult community could use the exposure.

Miss Steak

  • Bio: This contestant almost didn’t arrive at the pageant on time due to an error concerning the facility address. When asked to describe herself, the contestant replied that she likes beef.
  • Swimsuit: The contestant appeared on stage wearing a cow print sarong and, apparently, forgot to put her swimsuit on underneath it.
  • Talent: The contestant attempted to grill some brisket for the presenter and brought salmon instead. The result was still delicious.
  • Question: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
    • Answer: I would get rid of all the vege… Wait, what was the question again?

Miss Carry

  • Bio: This contestant informed us that she teaches a natural childbirth class for people who have never been able to bring a child to term. We are also informed that she runs a courier service in her home city on the side.
  • Swimsuit: The contestant appeared in one-piece swimsuit printed with milk crates.
  • Talent: We are told that this contestant intended to give a natural childbirth class demonstration. However, the students she intended to instruct failed to arrive, so she juggled a number of filled packing boxes instead.
  • Question: What bothers you most about what’s happening in your country today?
    • Answer: What bothers me most is the nation’s astrology, because I—Oh, that’s not what I wanted to say!

Miss Spell

  • Bio: This contestant wrote her own name incorrectly on her application. She tells us that her interest lies in the field of “majik”.
  • Swimsuit: This contestant appeared in a purple swimsuit with a representation of Mickey Mouse dressed as a wizard printed on it.
  • Talent: The contestant amazed the audience by providing a first class magic show. She sawed an assistant in half and escaped from a tank of water.
  • Question: Which celebrity would you invite to a dinner party and why?
    • Answer: It’s a toss up between David Copperfield and Noah Webster, because I think I could learn a thing or two from either of them.

Miss Step

  • Bio: This contestant is a dance instructor with a peculiar penchant for clumsiness.
  • Swimsuit: Strange to say, this contestant appeared in this portion of the pageant dressed in a leotard.
  • Talent: The contestant performed a line dance routine during which she tripped over her own feet and capably made it look like part of the routine.
  • Question: What would you say is the biggest challenge for young people today?
    • Answer: I’d say it’s figuring out what you want to do in life. It’s so easy to choose wrong and sometimes you have to live with those choices.

Miss Understand

  • Bio: We are told that the contestant may work as a teacher, but none of the pageant judges speaks her language and she couldn’t afford a translator
  • Swimsuit: The contestant seems to have misinterpreted the requirement for this section and wore a long fur coat splattered with different colored paints.
  • Talent: The contestant sang an excerpt from a Wagnerian opera in Latin.
  • Question: What is your definition of success?
    • Answer: Watashi wa anata ga itte iru no ka rikaidekinai. Sōrihenshite itadakemasu ka.

Miss Match

  • Bio: This contestant is a closet organization consultant. Although all her clothing appeared to be the same color and style when she arrived at the pageant, for some strange reason, her shoes were of two completely different styles altogether.
  • Swimsuit: This contestant wore a yellow bikini top with pink polka-dots, paired with a yellow and pink checked bikini bottom.
  • Talent: This contestant performed a number of card tricks in which she always managed to select the presenter’s card.
  • Question: What is one feature you’d change about yourself and why?
    • Answer: I’d really like to change my shoes. They’re killing my feet.

Miss Calculate

  • Bio: This contestant is working as a mathematician. At the time of this pageant, the contestant seemed to be in the middle of an audit by the IRS, due to having misrepresented herself on her tax return.
  • Swimsuit: The contestant appeared in this segment dressed in a white swimsuit on which the number for pi had been written.
  • Talent: On a series of blackboards placed on stage, the contestant attempted to settle the Hodge Conjecture, however an expert informed us that one of her computations was inaccurate.
  • Question: Do you think professional athletes are overpaid?
    • Answer: I don’t think so. You do the math. They work so hard. They deserve to be well paid.

Miss Dial

  • Bio: This contestant was the winner of the only beauty competition known to be sponsored by a bath soap company. She works as a telephone operator.
  • Swimsuit: The contestant wore a blue one-piece swimsuit with telephones and bars of soap imprinted on it.
  • Talent: The contestant played an elaborate tune on her cellular phone. However, toward the end of the performance, the contestant became flustered and hit send.
  • Question: If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?
    • Answer: I would make certain that everyone had a bar of soap and a cellular phone.

Miss Fire

  • Bio: This contestant works in a gun shop and volunteers her spare time as a fire fighter.
  • Swimsuit: The contestant appeared in a flame print one-piece swimsuit.
  • Talent: The contestant attempted an impressive gun demonstration, in the middle of which the gun exploded. The contestant was rushed to the hospital.
  • Question: What is the one feature you’d change about yourself and why?
    • Answer: Well, I’d sure like to not have these burns. (general laughter) Seriously, I’d like to have the power to help families who have lost everything to home and wild fires.

Now, judges, you’ve met all twelve contestants.  Below, you’ll find your voting card.  The first contestant to garner ten votes or more before January 2014 will be declared the winner.  After that, the positions of winner, runner-up and Miss Congeniality will be posted here.

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2 thoughts on “The Miss Nomer Pageant of America 2013

  1. Pingback: The Miss Nomer Pageant of America 2013 | Cimmy’s Stories | Dragon's Lair

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